Flight

I forgot to post, but week 2 and 3 were successfully completed! Hubs and I did a lot of the days separately, which was sad, but we did finish! Hubs even got his three days in while at a conference! I felt committed when I went to visit our oldest daughter and got my third day in even after driving 4 hours. My motivation this week is low, however, so hopefully, I can gather the strength and will power! I did buy some cool new shorts for biking…maybe that will help. Hubs and I have not been able to ride together in so long, in fact, most of my time as been walking, so getting back on that bike is going to be tough!

On another topic, I’ve been really thinking about weight loss/eating healthy. I know our goals right now are just to add exercise to the mix, but I’m on a constant quest of my own, to stay healthy AND lose unwanted pounds. In 2012, I DID lose 40 pounds, and kept most of it off until last fall. Then, our family went through a crisis, and my emotional eating took over. I have been on a "binge" ever since, with most of my weight piling back on. When talking to people without weight problems, I often get "just eat less, or exercise will help. Just use your willpower." Heck, even my doctor, who is naturally thin, talks to me about eating a low carb diet, and how easy it can be. On my last post visit page she gave me, it told me to switch to that low carb/low fat diet, as if it was as easy to change a lifestyle as it was to write it down. 

And at times, it’s true. I can have "willpower;" I can eat less, I can be "good." Heck, I lost those 40 pounds by eating that low carb diet and denying myself many of the joys I find in food. However, there were times, when I wondered if it was worth it. Like, when my daughter was selling Krispy Kreme doughnuts for cheerleading and I was good and didn’t have any, but was literally crying. I know I sound like a whiner when I talk about how others at work eat anything they want, and I don’t. I am not. Well, sometimes I am, but in all reality, food, especially sweet food, is like a drug. I know many of those who do not have weight problems, don’t understand. Heck, my Hubs, for the most part, views food as it should be, fuel for his body. When he wants to go on a healthy eating kick, it is relatively easy (except that he is extremely picky). As long as there are no treats in the house, he doesn’t search them out. I, on the other hand, do. I may try for a while not to, but after sometime (sometimes only a day), I’m back at it. 

If you have seen the movie, Flight, with Denzel Washington, you may come to understand what an addiction looks like, and what I go through. While his addiction is alcohol, it very accurately portrays the urge or lack of control that sometimes comes with my eating (and I am not trying to minimize the effects of alcohol addiction/abuse). I told Hubs, the movie was so difficult for me to watch, because I related so well, and I felt such empathy for his struggles. I would yell at the t.v. for him to resist, and he tried so hard, but one wrong step and it came crashing down. It only takes one taste, there is never a vacation from eating healthy for me. Once, I break, I am truly broken. All the good diets tell you to have a cheat day. I literally can’t. I try to tell myself that a cheat dessert or a small taste of someone else’s carb meal, won’t hurt but it does. I remember the first time I really had carbs after the summer of my weight loss. We were on vacation, and I allowed myself to "cheat" that week. I bite into this Mexican lasagna (if you are ever in Kona, HI…try it at the Kona Brewing Co.) and it was like heaven. I told my Hubs, "I don’t know if it is truly this good, or just giving me a carb fix." That week, I was good and bad, but mostly good. The problem was once we returned I couldn’t go back to eating the way I had. However, I was relatively stable, like I said, until last fall. Well, I say that, but it was a slow decline. When I look back, I REALLY did not recover from that vacation, and a trip to Hawaii was awesome motivation to cry rather than give in to my addiction. There were no more motivations after that; even my own longevity. There was stress, a daughter leaving for college, and the underlying desire to get a fix. Motivation for my own health was not enough. That statement alone really makes me sad and helps me to understand my addiction to food. It may not be alcohol, but honestly, it can be as deadly. For any of you who don’t believe it, I can’t change your mind. But, I know I can try and change mine. I have been looking into more of a therapy based approach this time to see what my underlying psychological issues might be. I hope it will help. I hope I can find someone to talk to. I know, this sounds as if it goes against the search for "za". But, I am hoping that with help, I can have the za and not fall into the addiction trap. I may be fooling myself, but I hope not. If so, I guess hubs will be eating the pizza and I will have a nice healthy salad or other healthy meal.